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Musings on photography, mental health and mountain life.
Weathering the Storm: Part 3
Hindsight offers a clarity of thought seldom available where heightened emotions are involved. It’s only 2 years after the event that I feel able to slightly better articulate those feelings of loneliness. In my case as with many of my mental health problems, the root cause stems from within. My lack of self confidence, of real direction in life, the continuing success of my girlfriend’s law career and her designs on life all contributed to a deep sense of unworthiness, isolation and ultimately loneliness.
Weathering the Storm
So it came to be that I found myself on a climbing trip in the south of France, sat on my rope bag by the river writing myself a list of reasons to stay (to live) versus ones to leave. The list in favour of ending it all flowed so easily, bullet point after bullet point mounted up whilst only two reasons for staying emerged. One, I didn’t want to be responsible for inflicting the hurt and pain that my death would bring to those who have loved me and stood by me for so long. Two, I didn’t want to die, I just couldn’t see a way to make the hurt stop.